Season of Dreams

So, I’ve been struggling with some things the past few months.

Things having to do what I’m going to do with my life once I graduate college. 

All my life I’ve known that I wanted to be a doctor. And I’ve never questioned it until now. I knew that I wanted to go to medical school and become a pediatrician or some  kind of physician that works with kids. I have ALWAYS known that.

But, the thing about God is that when you make plans on your own, He just laughs. For He says, ” For I know the plans I have for you…plans to prosper you and not to harm you.” 

Now, instead of me trusting in the Lord, I decided to make my own plans. I was gonna go to college, major in Biology, and prepare for medical school. I was gonna do well in my classes and on the MCAT and do everything I needed to do to get into medical school. I was going to go to medical school and do well. I was gonna get a pediatric residency of my choice. I was gonna become a renown pediatrician. These were my plans

But, the thing is that over the course of the past year, God has been working on me and my so-called plans. He has humbled me. Always, I have trusted in God that He would allow my plans to happen. But, He has His own plans for me. 

Now, I am trusting in God that these plans are going to turn out well for me. But, I’ve gotta admit. It scares me. It scares me to not know that I’m in control of everything. I’ve always seemed to be in control. I made sure that I did extremely well in school to make sure that I was able to get a full-ride to the school of my choice and become the first person in my family to attend college. Of course, God was with me throughout the entire process and He made it possible. But, to me, these were my plans that also happened to be God’s plans also.

But, now I’m scared. I realized that the dream I’ve had my entire life is no longer what I want for myself, or actually, what God wants for me. I don’t want to be a doctor. And, it kills me to have to say that. I don’t want to be a doctor. It’s not for me. I can’t even imagine myself in the white coat, and I never have really. But, I refused to. I have no doubt that I have good enough grades, I could do well enough on the MCAT, and have everything else that would allow me to be accepted to a good medical school. But, I don’t wanna go to medical school. That statement kills me, also. These have been my dreams since I can remember. I have never wanted to be anything else. But, I don’t want to be a doctor.

I don’t want to be 30 before I can practice. I don’t want to have to deal with malpractice insurance. I don’t want to take out a billion dollars in loans. I don’t want to go through the stress of a residency. I want to be able to have a relationship with my patients, and not a 10-15 minute interaction before I go on to the next patient. I want to know my patients by name and know what progress they’ve made and not have to look at a chart to find out this information. I want to have a family. I want to adopt kids. And, I want to have time for my family and my friends. That is what’s important to me. My relationships. 

Before I came to college, I never really had any substantial relationships. My family is ridiculous. Let’s not even get started on that. I’ve never been able to build withstanding relationships with friends because I’ve always moved around so much.  So, I really had no one to really think about. I developed tunnel vision and went straight for my dreams. I now realize that in high school, I could technically be called a workaholic. I went to school 7 1/2 hours a day, enrolled in AP and Advanced Honors courses. I worked 25 hours a week at Kroger. I was Vice-President of Science Club, had various responsibilities such as tutoring and such for Beta Club, Mu Alpha Theta, and National Honors Society. I also had my friends to spend time with. I developed my dream and went for it, before consulting with God. 

But, college and the experiences I have had here at Belmont have made me realize that I don’t want to be a doctor. Again, there’s that statement. 

I realized that I wanted to be a doctor to prove something. To prove that I could do it. That, yes, I, little Crystal LeBlanc, coming from a low-income African-American family could become a doctor. I also wanted the title of Dr. in front of my name so that people would respect me. RESPECT. That’s what I wanted. I remember that people seemed to look down on me because I didn’t have money. I remember being embarrassed that we had to use food stamps and I had to eat on the free/reduced price lunch program at school. People seemed to think they were better than us because of that. So, I picked the people that I most respected in my life to aspire to be. These were the doctors. And, they were rich. People couldn’t look down on me as if I was poor if I wasn’t poor. They had to respect a doctor. There’s something about the word “doctor” that invokes some sort of code of respect. I wanted to demand respect. I wanted to prove to those people who looked down on us that they weren’t better than me. That’s why I wanted to be a doctor.

But, I don’t want to be a doctor anymore. It’s not for me.

So, after recently realizing that my dream of forever is not my dream anymore, I began searching for new career options. I knew I was going to go on to some graduate or professional school after finishing college, but I didn’t know what. 

Cue panic. WHAT AM I GOING TO DO WITH MY LIFE?

If I didn’t want to be a doctor, I didn’t know what I was going to do. Again, without consulting God, I began making my own plans. I could go to graduate school, earn a Ph.D. in a field such as cancer biology and do research and teach. This was my plan. But, I don’t want to teach.

Cue panic again.

Finally, I sat down and prayed to God about it. I left it in His hands, which is what I should’ve been doing from the start. It’s all up to God.

Now, after praying to God, I was calm for a few days before becoming impatient as to what His answer to my prayers would be. 

But, I realized that I still wanted to do science. I still wanted to help people, mostly children. And, I still wanted to work in a clinical setting. 

I considered being a PA, a chiropractor, a dentist, or an optometrist. All of which I didn’t want to do.

So, I waited and frankly, almost forgot about it with finals and everything going on.

That’s when God provided me with an answer. 

I was browsing the internet, when somehow, I saw something about speech-language pathology. So, I googled it (of course, this is 2012). 

I did plenty of research on this career and realized that it provided me with the job security, the patient and work setting, and the salary with which I would be comfortable. Voila!

I want to be a speech-language pathologist! It’s a 5-semester master’s program, and it will give me the opportunity to work with children and some older people who have speech or swallowing problems. I have the choice to work in a clinic or in a school setting. It pays well. And, it’s more of therapy, so I will be able to develop relationships with my patients. Also, I won’t go into a deep hole of debt trying to become a speech-language pathologist. The job outlook is also very good, which makes me excited. Many programs have a 100% employment rate after graduation. 

I didn’t know this was coming. But, God did! And boy, is He good!

It still kinda scares me that I don’t want to be a doctor anymore, but I’m happy with God’s choice. And it was God’s choice. Because, never in a million years would I have thought that I would give up becoming a doctor to become a speech-language pathologist. 

God’s funny in that way, isn’t He?